ursulaojamar

I have to stop saying that I am a frustrated ballerina and start being one. Thus, i am going to find time to enroll before school starts. Despite my body malaise and hectic schedule, I'm going to give way to this little desire of mine for summer satisfaction.

The space between what's true and right...


"I told you we'll just be friends. I want things to be cool just like the first months of knowing you. I cannot give you what is beyond the fine red line of friendship. I am not comfortable with intimacy. I cannot just let myself get into something like that because it entails submitting myself to something i am not ready for. You said you still want to court me but i'm tired of this courting game; like you call and ask how my day went when you want to say something more, like playing a nice guy that you're really not to most people, like pulling me out of my friends when you're supposed to push yourself in my world not the other way around, like losing my privacy that you ask who's calling or texting me, like expecting more than saying good bye. Initially, it was nice, its was healthy to my personality but little by little, i'm losing my individuality. Everything has to be about you and forgetting about others. Self-growth had completely been out of my vocabulary because it's always been you and i'm sick and tired. I have to let you go to take hold of myself again. If you don't want to be friends than we cant we anything else."







But how come every time I am at the brink of opening my mouth and say all these, i cannot.

What's stopping me?

I have to know...

Gens: i need an advice of an experinced person who does not judge
verchtree: sure. il try
Gens: i've been dating this guy for like 2 years now, but im not ready for a real relationship becasue i dont feel its the right time
Gens: i told him we can still be friends
Gens: and he just responded with a frown
Gens: am i doing anything wrong?
verchtree: ok....go on
Gens: coz i feel like he's pressuring me to be in a relationship that im not ready though he keeps saying that he respects my decision
verchtree: well 2 years is a long time. if you're sending him the wrong signals, then thats a mistake
Gens: signals such as what?
Gens: so i should stop gonig out with him right?
verchtree: that you like him. na parang kayo na.
verchtree: if u dont like him or will never be his girlfriend., yup u should stop
Gens: that's the thing
Gens: i like him
Gens: but not just now
Gens: and i told him that
Gens: hahaha
Gens: sorry kuya
Gens: i guess i can figure this out\\
verchtree: jst be prepared for the time that he moves on to someone else
Gens: i am
verchtree: good
verchtree: then you shouldnt have any problem
Gens: i am taknig risks to whether he stays or not till im ready
Gens: is that a good thing?
verchtree: ul be sad if he goes
Gens: i will but it would mean that he's not a keeper, that's why i risk so i would know
verchtree: depends. like i said, 2 years is a long time. by some standards, its unfair to keep someone waiting that long.
verchtree: i know a lot of good guys who wouldnt wait that long
Gens: i didnt keep him waiting. he chose to.
Gens: i think its option i have
verchtree: up to you
Gens: thanks kuya
Gens: one more thing
Gens: can you not tell my brother, especially kuya alvin?... he doesnt like him or any guy for that matter
verchtree: sure
verchtree: no prob. i dont get to talk to them naman

Odd as it seems, men can lactate. In their 1896 book, Anomalies and Curiosities of Medicine, Dr. George Gould and Dr. Walter Pyle recount several occurrences of men breastfeeding their young. The stories include a sailor who put his son to his breast to quiet him and started producing milk; a South American peasant who sustained his child with his own breast milk during his wife’s illness; and a Chippewa man who put his infant to his breast following the death of his wife and produced enough milk to rear the child.

The phenomenon hasn’t stopped. In 2002, a Sri Lankan man named B. Wijeratne lost his wife and was left to care for their 18-month-old daughter. When the child refused powdered milk, Wijeratne tried something different. “Unable to see her cry, I offered my breast,” Wijeratne told a Sri Lankan newspaper. “That’s when I discovered I could breastfeed.”

Wijeratne isn’t alone. All men can breastfeed, because they possess the two most vital components for lactating—mammary glands and pituitary glands. Mammary glands, which produce milk, are present in all mammals. In fact, they’re one of our defining characteristics. In some cases, such as with mice, the mammary glands of the males are too underdeveloped to function. In humans, however, they’re fully formed in both sexes, complete with breastfeeding ducts and nipples.

Of course, for a human to actually breastfeed, those mammary glands have to be activated somehow. In women, this usually happens during pregnancy, when the brain’s pituitary gland starts releasing large amounts of a hormone called prolactin, which prepares the breasts to produce milk.

All men produce small amounts of prolactin during their lifetimes. It’s released after orgasms, for example, and may be responsible for the associated feelings of satisfaction and relaxation. But typically, it’s never present in large enough quantities for men to breastfeed. Under the appropriate psychological circumstances, however, the mind can demand that the body produce more of the hormone. This often happens to mothers who adopt children and suddenly find they can nurse. And as Dr. Gould and Dr. Pyle have documented, there’s a long history of it happening in men, too.

I have made mistakes recently and little by little I accept my own imperfections that i become vulnerable and sensitive. I could not even focus on things i believe are of utmost importance. This anxiety has reached its peak and unnoticably breaking my character. This worry has gone to the abyss of unknown. My leisure time is spent with pondering and deep sighs. I tried to make people understand, specially the ones dear to me but i just can't put it in words. It's a cross i have to carry myself... Then, i remember that I have a friend named Jesus. I figured that worries can be hadled with faith and daily optimism, that only I, yes only I can free myself from mental slavery, that life has to go on because you know that someone up there has died for you and what a shame if all you bring  back is your repeated flaws.

(this is my text to my best friend kim whom i have not conversed with for quite a while).

I woke up this morning having this pure desire of taking up medicine. I've been wanting this since High School because i read an old journal that says so. I was just scared of giving up traveling and night-outs for further years of med books. Then here goes grinny asking me if i'll go abroad after college and i simply said, most probably, if i don't take medicine. And i know there was a tid-bit of disappointment in his face because he's taking med. Everyone in my family wants me to pursue med and i've been refusing to accept their dreams for me simply because i fear their expectations may fall to nothing. But just this morning, everything is clear to me that this is what i really want not because they want me to be a doctor but because i'd like the person i would be when i take that path.

 (my sister is going to kill me if she finds out i posted this but it doesn't cease me to love her more as i read thus i'd like to spead love by posting this.. though I think it's unfinished)

November 17, 2008

 “An Ode to Miguel”

It’s not often do we catch ourselves in love with somebody, and more rare is to catch ourselves to fall in love at first sight... this is the story of me and my Miguel.

The truth is I knew it since I was young what I wanted so badly for my future, and that’s a family with children as the highlight of it. There was never a second in my life that I doubted that I will struggle to get that dream of mine. I started realizing that dream when I got married to the love of my life, my better half, my soul-mate, my best friend, my consoler, my ally in this journey of life, Rain days before Christmas. From then on, my life is never the same (in good ways for most).  My Christmas blues were gone and all my memory of Christmas is how happy I was on that one special day, days before Christmas.  When I got pregnant, I was overwhelmed.  Good things are just too much and are just coming so fast more than what my both palms can handle. Since the good things that are coming are just too precious for me to let it fall from my hands, I freaked out and panicked and all of a sudden you get to make some wrong decisions, but then thank God it was not bad to ruin everything or for me not to have chance to make them right. But I was not alone haunted by the overwhelming  changes and experiences. My husband was not spared and worse he was not use to any pressures in most of his life.

Valentines day... will tell in a while im in a hurry hehehe

Because of my anxiety to the handful of schoolwork waiting for me on Jan 5, 2009 (the day our class will resume), I opted to spend few hours in Gloria Jean's to read MS (Medical-Surgical Nx). I was their only dine-in customer and suddenly I felt questioning myself why I am there as other people question me 'Why in Gloria Jean's?' If someone asks again, I would have a definite answer. I like to study with people around me. I like the library but since there is none in our vicinty, I found just the right place that has just the right volume of music, very little noise, and some people moving but not fazing. I just feel that I'll go crazy if I lock myself in my room by myself, with a slight music (that bothers my reading, i tried it before). It's their aura that I like. Also, since I paid for my hundred of peso worth of drink, I would think that I have to make the most of my time there. Thus, so I spend less break (only when it's solely necessary). My house is not a perfect place to study because there are always problems, and I would feel bad if I don't respond to the needs of my parents or my brothers and sisters. I just feel selfish enough to respond 'I'm studyin. Do not disturb.' So there. I hope it's reasonable enough why I leave my home to study and why my prefrence is specifically GJ's.

So there. It's the first day of 2009. What's my new Year's resolution? I was thinking that I want to learn how to save money (the usual anual resolution of none other than myself). Yes, it is one of mine but i kept repeating the same thing because I never learned but!... I have improved, I shop less now and I consider other people when I buy. So econimically wise, I would hopefully pass. So, I was thinking of a life-changing resolution. And I have come up with this one: I would like to make desicions because 'I want it.' In the past few years of my life, I have lived it pleasing other people. Now that I have enough (as I'd like to believe so) principles and virtues instilled in me, I would like to start pleasing myself, to fulfill my dreams because it's what my heart desires. I would like to be a free-sprited youth who makes the most of every moment of her life. So there, I hope I fulfill it this year. If ever not, It would be my repeated resolution like that of saving money until I finally do fulfill them. Welcome 2009! I can't wait to face what you offer me.

I fear for the future of Baguio
...

I fear for the future of my home town
...

(to be edited)

In times, i feel like saying the famous line of Haley James-Scott of One Tree Hill, 'I gave you my heart. If that's not enough for you, then i'm not enough for you.'

You know how much it hurts when you desire moe than holding my hand. I always wish for your happiness but it hurts when you ask for more than what i give you. I will be there for you in times of need. I will remind you who you are (as i knew you) when you seem to lose yourself. I will hold your hand when you think the whole world crashed down to remind that you're not alone. But that's all i can do. Seeing your discontentment is just a great slap on my face that you want more from me but just 'I'm yours' but you ask me to treat you (whenever you do that, I feel like you're taking advantage of my feelings for you). You read FHM magazine (I assume you have a monthly subscription. I can never compete with those girls. I am not coquette and if it's them your desire, just forget about me). You looked mei n the eye and told me to take off my jacket slowly, the most uncomfortable thing you said (everything beautiful about you just faded in emptiness and was replaced of malice). It's hard to ask a favor from you because you'd always say 'you owe me.' Thus, i rely on other people instead. (Whatever happened to altruism?). you said you love me but it's not about what you say. It's about what you do. I just want to know how genuine every word you uttered. I'd like to hold on as much as I could with your promises, with your words but what is the essence of these if you don't see it? I refuse to think that what we have is simply physical attraction or merely flattery and amusement.

I'm too occupied to edit, so here's the gist of the experience. This was my response to Kuya Noel (My brother in LA) when he asked how our Christmas Eve went.

Gens: nagalit si papa sa maraming rason (i think i should jut get used to it. its hard to change that.)nagshopping kami ni mama ng big time sa The fort may 2 pa kaming assistant sa dami ng binili ng nanay mo. bumili kami ng magagandang plato yung hotel line yung brand tapos naggarnish ako masarap. Si ate malou nagluto ng seafood chowder, si kuya ian my dalang roast chicken, si ate tinks gumawa ng potato salad, si kuya ted nagdala ng sushi at pitchy pitchy. tapos may exchange gift kami... nilagyan kong onting thrill. sabi ko, say something positive to your monito (para may spirit of christmas) tapos huhulala namin kung sino. Magulo yung mga bata pag nagbubukas ng regalo kala nila confetti. Tapos mga 3am na kami natulog kaya kakagising lang ng mga tao.

My mom asked me to help her look for cake boxes for the home-made cakes she's about to give our neighbors. I was in Market Market!

National Bookstore, none
Concierge, none
Accersorize, none
Chapter Pages, none
Bazaars, none

So i opt to beg for bake shops to give me their cake boxes

Red Ribbon, sorry we can't

I even reached Serendra saying the same line to every restoaurant i go to, 'I need cake boxes. Is there any way you could sell me cake boxes? just the box?'

Tea & Theraphy, we only have one maam. I'll just give it to you.
Conti's, sorry your home-made cake might be mistaken for our cake
Larry's, (the chef was really nice and entertaining) how many do you need? Let me check in our stock room. We only have 3" tall (I needed 5" tall though)
Chelsea, we don't have 6 boxes, we only have 5 for us. We can just give you one.

So there, in short, I got boxes. Mom said she's mad worried where i was. And i was out of breath saying. We got boxes!

It is very typical to hear answers like books before boys, or they’re simply a distraction to studies. Now, here’s what I tell you…

I am a College Student and I’m discouraged to have a boy friend and my parents just told me ‘someday you’d be a parent and you’ll understand why.’ I am not a parent but I think I understand why because I have been in-love and been holding it to keep my promise to them. I know they want me to travel the world, to be financially independent… enough to buy the things I want, to be a citizen that helps rather than burdens, to be mature enough and make rational decisions in the very complex pandemonium of life. I have been in-love and it feels like you don’t need anything else when you’re with that special someone, that you can ignore all the material things or all the pleasure because having him beside is the greatest pleasure that life can offer you. And for that, you tend to forget to pursue your dreams, you become contented of the love given to you, but love comes and goes, what if it goes? What will you have? Nothing. That is why I understand my parents completely and as much as I can, I will ignore his affection, I would conceal my face from his kisses, I would close my hands from his grip, I would push myself from his hugs, I will suppress my screaming heart and live in hope that despite of this, we would up together. I will do it for my parents. But I will tell him my situation, I would hug him when he’s hurt, I would be there in his great need, I will do that for myself.

Parents are will guide you, they don’t direct you where to go. I will live my life in such a way that the last say is to me.

I had a really bad day. In teenage lingo, this day sucks!

I've been studying the whole week for this major exam of an 8-units subject because it covers 9 thick chapters. And so I did. Then the school assigned us in a wrong room so we had to transfer and started 30-min late but we ended on time. Unfortunately, we were assigned to an inconsiderate proctor, so there. I had about 25 gun shots out of 90 questions. So there, even if I don't know the result there is a great possibility that I *******, (I don’t want to write it. just the mere thought makes me sick in the head). So I felt like I need to go home and tell my mom all about it... then I just realized, while I was driving my coding car, that it wasn't 7pm yet so practically knew why the MMDA dude was calling my attention. I didn't pay, I wasn't caught but out of pity or maybe because he found out I'm a military officers daughter he let me go, which made my day more worse. I've always been the person to fight for what’s just and there I am not even taking the consequences of my own act with the fear of a little burden such as paying penalties and taking a seminar.

So there.

I have to stop this. I'm not allowed to linger on regrets much.

Today, i was on my way home all by myself. I was inside the jeep with madocians i barely even know by face. I was trying my best to constrict the sphincter (hoping there is) of my lacrimal duct to protect myself from what little shame i have in me. Sadly, i can't. It seems as if it's involuntary for fluid to flow out with your aqueous humor down to your cheeks. I never like crying, especially in public nor do i fancy people looking at me with pity. But this time i just had to. I need a friend. First person that popped in my mind was Kim i called her and canceled it knowing that she's tutoring a kid in Kumon. I just walked in the Jeepney station hoping that something good would come up. Then Oscar was waving bye to me. A friend! Just what i needed. With teary eyes and wet cheeks i screamed 'I need to talk to you.' He was puzzled. I have not talked to him in while, he already payed his fare, and he has no idea why i want to talk to him but he went down anyway. Soon as he did he found me a decent place to talk to and just gave me tissue to cry, listen to my disappointments, doubts, and anger. I just need to tell how much this boy is affecting my life and especially my day. I have no strength to write our conversation. I already consumed enough ATP crying, explaining, laughing, and whining. I'm just thankful he was there... Reminds me of what Brother Gilbert (my theology teacher) told me 'Sometimes God gives us friends or simply random people to fill the emptiness and make our life complete.' I'm just thankful that Oscar was there or else i'd be crying in MOA asking random people to hear me out. Pathetic hahaha I gotta sleep and/or study

Prologue:
I’d like to tell this to my best friend or my mom but they’re currently busy, Good thing I have you journal.

How should I start? I’m overflowing with thoughts right now. I mean if Mikee would ask how my day was, it may take an hour or so to make me stop talking.

Content:
Everyone was so busy preparing for the event, ofcourse our org, Bailadores, Nutrion club, Psyche Society, English Club, Laurel’s Society, the heartthrob candidates, and primarily the Student Council who made all things happened for this annual event. There was even a make up artist for the performers, and everyone had budgets for their booths, costumes, food, and everything that’s needed. There were Club-like light effects, and hit music with its every beat pumping the hearts of listeners. The Clinical Instructors presented street dancing and there were these weird and funny roll play, and game crowd like they’re enjoying every moment of it. Everyone was cheering for everyone else. The party undeniably wow all who witnessed it. Everything was great, really; it’s just that behind these greatness lies the unseen flaws. Which leads to my story…

I belong in the MDCCPSE, Manila Doctors College Pop Symphony Ensemble for that matter. Our adviser, Sir Corrales, as he said, does not like failure. He’s a perfectionist when it comes to music so when there were technical problems during our song called ‘Opening Night’, he was really outraged that he got mad to the Student Council including Mikee who was assigned to the Music. And then, when Sir and I started talking he said he’s not personally mad at anyone it’s just his natural reaction to what just happened. I do understand Sir. He has the right to be disappointed but I don’t think he has the right to get mad or even blame. As a professional, he likes to maintain discipline, but as he does, he lingers on the negative side of the performance hoping it would not happen again. At the same time, he misses enjoying the great things that happened within the performance. He’d say the school’s mobile was a failure, or we should dance next time to get louder cheers but I told him that admiration is within the hearts of the listeners. They need not scream woohoo! or chorale rocks! Or maybe Chorale rules! Because people don’t cheer like that in a chorale, they’d usually be speechless with awe. It is seen as you pass by the corridor and get praises of our music. You would really know that it’s not just for flattery that you could really see their sincerity and wonder to how our music harmonize. But ofcourse, it’s not easy to rehears all day and night and end up with an imperfect performance, a fiasco as sir would think it is. I’m just worried about Mikee. He got all the blame and he felt really bad, to think that he used to be in Chorale. He was at the brink of crying and I can’t think of anything to do but rub his back saying ‘it’s ok.’ Sir is not mad at him but he thinks Sir is because Sir unconsciously got mad, but it was only his initial reaction. While Mikee was talking to sir he was looking at me and Clarise searching for answers, finding comfort maybe and I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there. I’m not blaming my genetical lineage but I think I was raised that way, with apathy. Which I’d like to change when I have a family of my own. I barely get comfort when I cry and I shove away disturbing emotions, so here I am having seemed everything is perfectly well. I was watching him in mystery and all I can do is give him a blank stare hoping that he’d guess how what’s on my mind. I was in the middle of Him and Sir. I’m both on their side, there’s no opposing part only misunderstanding. If only there was time that I can sit right next to him, I’d tell him that he shouldn’t feel bad and not to be harsh on himself, because he did nothing wrong, that some things are just beyond our control, that he did a really great job for the foundation day, that I’ve never seen the staff, faculty, and students so happy all together, That he’d always call me the girl to do noble things and him being the naughty guy when he’s supposed to be the man to be called noble because he’d work so hard, barely whine about it, and still manage to care for the people around, and be humble enough to accept his flaws and even make up for it. The thing is… we just didn’t have time. I had to drop Sir to MOA plus I really had to go because my father wouldn’t like the idea of me staying late and I have to read a lot of stuff, and there’s just so much to do at home. Mikee, on the other hand, had to be at side of the stage where music is played as the show goes on and where computer-related stuff is operated. So there, that’s my story for tonight.

Epilogue:
Maybe I’ll call him to check on him as he does check on me when he thinks I’m not ok. It’s least I could do but for now, I have to finish at least one chapter. Good night journal.

him: someday I'd like to meet your parents.

me: and?

him: and... tell them how they raised you so well and how beautiful you are that i fell in-love with their daughter.

me: *grins and speechless*